Monday, April 30, 2007
8:44 AM
As the times have passed, and i sit here thinking,
I cant help but find that ive been such a fool.
Why didnt i treasure you, why did i let you go,
But all thats too late now isnt it, nothing i say is gonna get you back.
Well, its not your fault, but i just cant stop loving you, even after 4 months.
After all that, my friends kept telling me, your not worth it, you were just a fling, but no.
You were not a fling, i loved you, i cared for you, i dreamt of you, yet...its over.
The day you punched a hole in my heart, i will always remember.
As i lay in bed, and your message telling me it was over ran through my head over and over again, I just thought, its the 13th floor, maybe if i jump off and die, maybe she would love me.
but i persevered, i kept telling myself i would win you back.
But from that moment i became emo, i cried everyday as my hopes got bleaker, i cried when you found your new love, i cried at your confirmation, cos i wanted to be part of your life, but you didnt want any part of it. I cried when over and over again, i asked you if you could give me one more chance and you said no. I felt as though you had punched a hole in my heart, like those they punch in your ic when u die, to show it cant be used anymore. When you left, you killed me.
All this time, ive been harbouring the hopes that maybe, just maybe, you would come back to me. I thought of the bracelet i gave you, i wondered if you still wore it, and whether you remembered what i told you. I even asked myself if you remembered when i told you i loved you. Well, now, i know that all those hopes, those thoughts, these things, for the past 4 months, have just been my wishful thinking.
So well, I guess theres no reason to live anymore, cos you left, and after today, i noe your never coming back.
Well, Goodbye you, Goodbye ****ed up world.
Emo Angel
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
8:48 AM
You know, i would rather i be sad alone than to drag you down with me.
Now you know why i told u its better this way?
You can be happier out there, so don bother about me.
I will let my feelings flow, and when theres no hope left, maybe dying would resolve every problem i have.
My heart now, is just so confused, and im sorry to all my friends if i have neglected you or pissed you off, but im just really damn damn sad now. Maybe i should just die, would make some people loads happier, would make me much happier. To my dearest friends, sorry for everything i havnt been able to help or do these days, im just not feeling right...so sorry...i really am.
Wells, sorry
Matt Angel
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Monday, March 12, 2007
5:55 AM
RCIY retreat.... thought i could enjoy it...
Then i saw you, and yea, was reminded of the heartache..
Then, when i found out about your new boy...
I wonder, did you really love me?
All that talk, those words, they mean shit now...
When i saw you in his arms, i thought i would cry, but guess what
I was so beyond tears, i was too sad to cry.
When i think of how we used to be, my heart aches, and its the worst pain i know.
My daily injections, guess what, they are so small compared to the pain you haved caused me.
I remember you, how we used to love,
but now, i see that the love you have is for him now.
I wrote you that note to say goodbye,
Its hard for me but i gotta do it.
I hate you not because i want to, but i have to, or i will never cease crying.
You know, nowadays when i cry, there are no more tears,
and i just, cant seem to let go that easily.
During the session last night, when we were told to think about our lives for a moment,
I cried, not because i pity myself,
but because i am reminded of you, and all that has happened, and i just find it so heart-wrenching...
And no amount of hugs from my dearest sisters, Debra, Neek, Jamie, Alicia, Kristen, Majella, not even Amy, could stop me crying. Why? cos its you.
I really treasured the times we had, but yea, if you do read this, then well, it may be the last time you hear from me.
so well, Goodbye.
Matt Angel
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Wednesday, February 14, 2007
12:07 AM
EMO
Have i mentioned that life sucks? Yea it does
Ever since the 14th of January...it was supposed to be a happy day.
But fuck it, yea, you had to leave.
And now my death is all i seek.
I feel like i should just die
Cos when i do, only maybe then will you cry
I care for you, why cant u see
That you form the biggest part of me.
But now your gone, its too late for that
I guess my life should end like that.
I consider suicide everyday
since you left me, and broke it all.
Matt Angel
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Wednesday, December 20, 2006
4:32 AM
Ok a review of things tt happened and significant parts of it.
I GOT CONFIRMED! HAHA YAYA
December 11th- Watched happy feet with church peeps
Watched happy feet, everytime got shocking or scary part, Bernice would hold my arm affectionately....BUT PINCH IT PAINFULLY haha but it was really fun.
December 12th-Bernice's Birthday
Went to her house, went with her to junction 8, then library, then to church. At the library, she found this cookbook with the item "SPOTTED DICK" which landed us in fits of laughter and a man kept staring at us as though we were crazy. So we went to church, were we took alot of pictures and also got a call from jonathan. I choked on my food and she scolded him with swear words tt i have never heard her say b4. Shocking! then at the bus stop sending her home, she saw this dog, and like she was so scared that she grabbed my hand and pinched my arm real real hard, actually till it bled. OUCH OK! so well, i made sure she was ok then went home myself.
December 16th-17th-Advent camp
Camp, but Ian and Bernice both couldnt go. so anyway, we had alot of games like Amazing race and Heartstrings game. During Amazing race, one group had to do forfeits like do a bimbo cheer, find frozen sausages, say a pickup line to shaun(LUCKY ASS) and also spell MISSISIPPI with their butts! That group was none other than the blue group, dear Kerlene's group! It was sadistic, but i guessed they had fun too haha. We each had secret pals, and like everyone supposed to have only 2, one to write to and one who writes to u, but i had 3! so yea i wrote to Alex, while 2 anonymous pple wrote to me, one calling herself " I LOVE SPONGEBOB". Whole camp, tried to find out who, and at last, i guessed correctly tt it was Miki! the other person was Yvonne, and yea both girls, people starting making noises haha. i wrote back to all 3 of them, but also wrote to my dear daisy duck(Alicia) and my "BIG" sister, Kerlene. we had a game which i helped shaun prepare and we also had a game where u write nice things about a person on a piece of paper on their back.IT WAS FUN cos i wrote nice things, pple wrote nice things, and like it just felt good. haha and yea, Majella, not even playing, started causing some fun and harmless mischief. haha we also had the christmas party, with andrew as Santa and Alicia as a Santarina! they both looked damn good in the suits, with andrew, a skinny dude, actually looking like a real santa. haha so then the whole saturday night, didnt sleep, talked to nicolette, alessa, francis and chris. loads and loads of gossip.
On sunday, we played some handicap game, i was blindfolded, then i walked into a wooden podium!OUCH my head hurt the whole day ok...up till now still bruise...then yea, we went to watch the Nativity, i had fun actually doing wad SJI 208 people do best: ACTING GAY AND FREAKING PPLE OUT! I sat next to marcus, who would not let me sit at the aisle...sob...so he had a nightmare tt night with me in it. HAHA then we went for mass after that...FATER ANDREW WORE HOT PINK! He looked so gay and funny...tried my best not to laugh in front of the whole church...but halfway, i kept falling asleep...then always wake up at the right moment so...lucky lah haha. All in all...camp was the best i had for the year! but tired...zzzz
20th December-Pissed
Ok, today, i got pissed at shaun. Y?Cos...first, he asked if today can meet to go out, i said i will ask, then he told bernice i couldnt, then he, bernice, bernice fren mayvin and kerlene went out without me. Ealry this morning, Kerlene was kind enough to ask me again, then like, by that time too late, too short notice to find babysitter for my bro, so couldnt go. then throughout, Bernice and Kerlene were trying to cheer me up. But well, its not only him tt i was not happy about, i also had something else on my mind which really really bothered me...so yea nvm. So anyway, SHAUN i will forgive you before Christmas la, i promised them alredy...and yea thanks Kerlene and Bernice for talking to me today. Loves!:D
Signed, Mattie(Donald Duck)
[Long story...want to noe how i got the name, ask]
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Friday, December 01, 2006
6:03 PM
Bittersweet ending...or is it the beginning?
Finally, i post again.
Not that i don want to post, so many things just have happened. For starters, i was away at ACE camp for a week(don wanna talk about it, it sucks though) and immediately after that, i came back but was hospitalized. It appears i had contracted Diabetes, a life-long condition. Not sure when, not sure how. I hit an all-time low. You think its not macho to cry? well yea, when i heard the news, i was freaking depressed. i cried myself to sleep everynight in the hospital. The pain wasnt physical. Sure, there were daily injections, about 6-8 a day, but that wasnt wad caused me hurt. Wad pained me was that i would have to take a break from rugby, my passion. I would be able to play again, but when, was up to God's will.
The days in the hospital were depressing. I spent 4 days in the CCU( Critical Care Unit) where i couldnt leave the bed.(HAD TO URINATE IN A BOTTLE. HOW DEGRADING!) And there was no tv, no nothing. The four walls, the beeping of the equipment, the sound of my driptube and me. thats all there was. There were many presents from people, from church, my family and friends. These things helped, but i still couldnt get over it. i had many caring visitors, all whom made my stay in hospital more enjoyable. The nurses were very good too, very caring and attentive.( By this time, the drip tube in my hand was aching)Finally, when my condition was more stable, i was transferred to the general wards.
When i was transferred to the general wards, I had more visitors, as here it wasnt so strict. My friends from church, rugby, school, family and friends came regularly, my mom was the best, coming back from hong kong to stay with me, at night only would she go home. Ian, from malaysia, and his family were very kind as to come down from KL just to see me and go back the next day, with Ian staying abit longer till i got discharged. Ian teo, Jude and Bernice, from church, visited me very very regularly too. Amos came too and yea all of them caring for me was really really boosting my morale. The hardest thing about this journey, was having to face the facts, that i was now a diabetic.
My stay in hospital held alot of surprises, and alot of....stuff happened. anyway, fast forward, and 14th november, is a special day. HEEHEE. lol so random.....ANYWAY....Went home....and yea, alot of stuff happened. seriously. 14th november, is the day i was discharged, and there was another reason. haha
ANYWAY, now im home, and here i am blogging. alot of Pplez have been talking to me via sms, msn, and yea loads of thanks to u all. Many thanks to the pple who visited and cared for me in hospital, and yes, thanks to my mother. O yea! thanks to 2 people for really cheering me up this past 2 weeks. haha i think u noe who u all are.
I guess this is the end. but no, my story doesnt end here. This is the beginning of a new chapter, a new stage of life for me, and im gonna live it to the fullest with no regrets cos yea, life is very precious.
Love ya all,
Matt<3
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Saturday, October 21, 2006
11:21 AM
The Brudderhood: Failures????
Amos...Kevan...George...
I feel...that we are such losers at affairs of the heart.
I mean look at this.
Amos, Kevan, u 2 have experienced love, yet have thrown it away even though u want it so much, and seriously, i really pity u 2. Amos, u have become so sad and downcast, its hard to talk to u. Kevan, u just seem like....u need to cry. Cmon guys, buck up, we are here for u.
George, u and i, we are losers too. i mean look, we both have pple we love, but we are unable to win their hearts. im not saying we should give up though, cos giving up is half the battle lost.
I watched "Hitch" and "Ice Princess" today (real bored, nothing else to do, get the point? Free movies on HBO) , and realized how closely connected it is to our real lives. Sure, we r 14 and stuff, got our lives ahead of us, wadever and etc. However, though we may fail, i would like to say something, something i thought off after watching the movies:
Dont give up. If u fall, pick yourself up and start over. Theres always someone there for you.
Rugby season is coming back, and yea we cant win if we are all sad and downcast right?
So Brudders, lets just live life as it is, and see wad God has in stall for us. Who noes? Kevan and Amos may find someone better, or George and I may finally get some due. But now, since we are all in the same boat, i say we pull ourselves together! One for all!All for one! I feel for u guys man. and this is dedicated to u 3, going through not so good times.
Your Brother,
Matt
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